Fifty Shades of Grey changed the way ordinary people related to Bondage play. It seems like a hundred years ago that we all read it or saw the movie. I have to admit that I preferred the books. My imagination is much better than what was portrayed in the movies.
I read them on my Kindle before they became wildly popular. If I’d belonged to a book club, I would not have read every page, but I would have read the floppy pages. If you don’t know what I mean you never read a much handed down Wilbur Smith at school! The floppy pages are always the sexy, steamy ones that everyone reads over and over.
I am still convinced that Fifty Shades trilogy was written by two different writers. The erotic parts were so well written and the other parts – not.
Fifty Shades gave us many lessons, not only for Bondage Play but for managing conflict and communication in our own relationships. From safe words to contract, silver balls to a wand vibrator!
I recently identified that what I really want from life is a Peter Stuyvesant advert. Living the life of luxury – all over the world. Part of the allure of Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades trilogy is his wealth, helicopter, red room and apartment with magnificent views.
Not many of us are going to meet Mr. Rich and Mr. Right in the same package but there are some tips you can borrow from the books to spice up your relationship.
Here are the top-ten moves you can learn from Christian Grey:
Go on dates
Even after Christian and Ana discover their deep sexual connection, he still makes an effort to woo her with dates and out-of-the-bedroom activities. You don’t need all those expensive toys to take her breath away (although let’s face it – it helps!) A mid-week coffee date or a picnic at the park can remind her of how special she is to you.
Ask your partner what they want
There is nothing sexier. Granted we don’t always know so do check in. Remember the communication I spoke about earlier? Part of the conversation should be around likes and dislikes — hard limits and soft limits — and is always tuned in to what gives Ana pleasure. Find out what your partner likes and what she enjoys the most. Don’t be surprised if it changes.
Seduction
Christian knows how to seduce a woman with his natural good looks and what he wears — including a gray tie that’s also used in sexual play. I can add that a man who smells delicious is massively attractive. The good news is you don’t have to break the bank. Just make an effort to look your best and keep your partner’s interest sparked, whether it’s by hitting the gym a couple times a week or by paying a little extra attention to your appearance on date night.
And don’t forget to clean your nails and wash behind your testicles. While we’re on the hygiene, make sure your hair is clean and that the style suites your age and lifestyle. Toenails can be a huge turn off!
Have Intimate Talks
Christian and Ana don’t connect just on a purely physical level, they also connect on emotional, intellectual, and spiritual levels. Yes, I know it’s a book and that a chance would be a fine thing but we’re talking about lessons here. They share secrets and have deep conversations, the kind that can exist only in a genuinely trusting and intimate relationship. Again, timing is everything, don’t start a conversation with me at the beginning of an F1 race. Any other time don’t be afraid to share your deepest desires and private thoughts with your partner. It will help to spark interesting conversations and strengthen your bond.
Care about your partner’s interests
This one shows that you listen and care. We are feigning interest when we start dating and then as the relationship ages we stop caring. Granted we don’t know what happens to this couple after the heady start of their relationship but try to keep the interest going.
Grey finds out what English major Ana is studying in school and sends her a first-edition book by one of her favourite authors, Thomas Hardy. You don’t have to be quite so extravagant, but it pays to ask your partner what books she is reading or what music or movies she loves — it’s a chance to get to know her more and discover what excites her.
I once had a lover who found out I wanted to write a book, nobody else had asked and I hadn’t told. About a week later a parcel arrived – he had researched the subject matter and sent me articles, pictures, music and a book on the subject. I’ve never forgotten.
Give more leisure time
As women in South Africa, we still do all the hard lifting when it comes to domestic chores and child minding. I can hear the outrage from here. I’m willing to concede that not all men are equal in this regard. Take a note from Grey’s playbook and make dinner, bath the children or load the dishwasher instead of leaving the mess for her. Drive her to her destination so she can relax. Your “choreplay” will pay off when she has more energy and desire at the end of the night!
There is nothing sexier than a man who knows his way round the kitchen and the vacuum cleaner! My language of love is service so doing stuff around the house is a big turn on for me.
Be silly and have fun together
There is nothing like an in joke across a dinner table to get your motor running. Christian and Ana might have an intense relationship and a serious sexual connection, but they also have many little inside jokes and fun, flirtatious sayings (such as “Laters, Baby” and “We aim to please”) that bring smiles throughout the day. Blend humour and playfulness into your relationship to help strengthen your bond and heighten your desire.
I find this extremely difficult because as you all know by now, I’m as serious as a heart attack, but try.
Keep desire top of mind throughout the day
Make sure that your partner has sex on the brain, whether it’s by sending her naughty e-mails or secretly caressing her when they are out on the town. You can do the same by giving her a deep, erotic kiss instead of the usual morning peck and flirting by text or e-mail by day.
A note to the wise – choose your moment and content carefully. I like nuance so a dick pic or a crude message when I’m meeting with business associates is just irritating and off putting. I know I’m speaking for myself here, but clever, double meaning messages are far more attractive.
Don’t forget to chase
Everyone likes to be wooed and pursued, so make an effort to keep the chase alive, even after you have been together for years. Send flowers and compliment her on the way she looks. I don’t care who you are, we all have our insecurities — compliments remind us that you are more than just roommates, you are also lovers.
Stay committed to your sex life
Great sex doesn’t just happen overnight. It takes commitment, creativity, and openness, and it also takes a willingness to break out of your comfort zone. You don’t have to experiment with BDSM or create your own “red room,” but you can start talking about your desires and make a commitment to having regular sex — even if you have to schedule it. Make your sex life and your relationship a priority.
I suggest you reread the floppy pages. If nothing else, it might spark a bit of desire and let’s face it at this time of the year desire if just what we need.