Sex the second time.

Sex the second time.

Sex the second time. If you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while dipping back in is scary especially when it comes to being intimate.

We all have our insecurities with our body parts leading the marching band. It might be years since you got naked in front of someone else or maybe you have only ever had sex with one other person and now you’re moving on, whatever the reason it is daunting!

Am I sexy enough? Do I know how to still do this, has my vagina grown shut, will my penis co-operate, do I need a wax, my place or his, do I really have to do this?

I have a friend who lost her husband in a car accident. After a couple of years she was ready to get back into the hot seat. I remember us discussing it at length about how and who and why. My suggestion was she should just pick a guy up in a bar and take him to a hotel room, she wasn’t that keen because she needs a relationship before making this decision. I think that is much scarier than a one- night stand but as we get older this gets harder to do.

A different friend and I were having coffee and a discussion about the clitoris and lubricants, when four gorgeous women sitting next to us, couldn’t help but overhear the conversation. Eventually we were all sitting together and talking about sex and our current challenges.

How to get back in the Hot Seat became the topic of discussion.

One of the ladies had lost her husband about 10 years before and now at the age of 70 was dating again. She has used lockdown as an excuse not to get intimate. We slowly unpacked the fears she is facing and it came down to a couple of common insecurities.

She had only ever had sex with her deceased husband, so had no idea whether she was any good. Has not had sex for the past 10 years and because she has never masturbated, and was unsure whether her parts still worked or what she could expect after all this time.

She also couldn’t read whether he wanted to have sex and whether his parts still worked. A big concern was what if he can’t get an erection? Such pressure!

I suggested a two prong approach.

First establish that your own parts are healthy. This includes making sure you have lubricant available in case you need it. There is just nothing sexy about spit. Having a good feel and look at your genitals is essential for your own confidence.

Luckily the vagina does not age on the outside, she looks the same as she did when you were 18. It’s the vagina walls you have to worry about. They may be thinner than they were 10 years ago but with sufficient lubrication all will be well. The vagina does not grow closed! It may feel like it has shrunk but it will never be closed! If you use Benwa Balls regularly you would know this! It is one concern you can cross off your list.

If you have had regular check ups and pap smears you’ll know that there are no cobwebs around and if you are concerned have a check-up, just to set your mind at ease.

The next step is a conversation.

I am damn sure that the other party is feeling as insecure as you are and even if they are not, you need to feel safe about taking the next step.

‘But what if he laughs at me?’ is a big one. My response is ‘Who cares?’ If he is going to laugh at you best you find out before you get your kit off because let’s face it at my age we’re like a salad – better dressed than not!

A conversation helps put things into perspective and limits expectations. I know what I like and what I won’t do so I’d rather just put it all out there before we start and not waste each other’s time.

I think we should be able to go to a bar, pick up a guy and take him to a hotel room just to get the monsters out of the way but life alas is no longer that simple.

Eventually our little party was getting more ears and it occurred to me that we are so starved of real and open conversations about sex and sexuality. Last week was World Sexual Health Day which was launched in 2010 with the slogan ‘Let’s talk about it’ and here we are 10 years later still feeling ashamed and uncomfortable about talking about sex.

I’ll be having many more coffees there and hopefully chatting about sex to friends and new friends every week, so let me know when you’d like to meet, you too could make it into this #SexColumn.