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Sex and shame

Every week something happens that makes we wonder whether things have changed at all. We seem to be going back to far-right wing politics, liberal laws are being overturned, human trafficking or should we call it slavery continues and mobs run through the streets like in ancient Rome!

What surprises me most of all is that our attitudes to sex, sexuality and pleasure are still in the dark ages. It’s not as if they have swung all the way to the lunatic left, they have just stayed firmly oppressed in the realm of shame and sin.

This week I heard a story about a woman whose daughter discovered her beloved vibrator. This appliance was in the bedside drawer. My first question is – what was she doing rummaging through your drawer (I have a huge thing about privacy) and my second is – so what?

The mother finds herself being judged and slut shamed by her teenage daughter and all because she dared to have an adult toy. In my world the daughter should be proud that her mother has discovered the fabulousness of vibrators and that she has embraced her pleasure.

What’s worse is that the mother doesn’t know how to deal with the situation and who can blame her? Sex is still such a sensitive subject for most people.


I feel like it’s NEVER going to change.

As you know my Lola Montez website collapsed some weeks ago and I am in the process of a rebuild. The developer and I are very aware of the obstacles we face in coming to market. The sex industry is still very heavily controlled

A few examples – we cannot advertise or boost posts on social media. Adverts on search engines for our keywords are triple what they would be for ‘bricks’. Payfast won’t allow us to sell very popular bondage accessories, you can pay with a debit card but not a credit card – go figure?

The price of doing business on a personal level is just as costly with everyone you meet thinking you are a woman with questionable morals. Every man I meet has to tell me the filthiest joke he has ever heard. Believe me I’ve heard them all.

Just yesterday a young man alluded to his penis and was affronted when I called him on it.

I understand the need for censoring pornography in every form, I’m not sure I understand the nipple ban on Facebook but I’m happy to live with it. I can even live with not advertising toys that look like genitals although I’m sure that we all know what they look like. It’s the gorgeous other adult toys that are still banned that I don’t understand.

The argument is – my children will see it! Firstly, your children shouldn’t be on social media until they’re old enough to be a bit discerning and in my world the sooner they know the more protected from harm they will be.

Which brings me back to the toy next to the bed. My children know that if they snoop, they’ll get more than they bargain for, and I am happy to explain in detail where and what the toy goes and does.

It reminds me of the early days of my original website when I was photographing product. My one sone (then about 9) was helping me so we could move along swiftly. He passed me an Ammunition Bullet. It is the size of a rifle bullet. He held it up and said – ‘Surely this is too small! ‘

I explained that it was for external stimulation, explained about the clitoris and the penis shaft and testicles. His reply – ‘Overshare Mum!’ It might have been overshared but now he knows. He tells me it is the best wingman ever!

WE are so reluctant to talk about the basic human condition. It is so ingrained in our psyche that we would rather tolerate being shamed that talk about pleasure and sex.

Sex is necessary for procreation and recreation. Under the right conditions it’s nice but let’s not tell anyone. Why don’t we start talking about what the right conditions are? If we did maybe we wouldn’t have so many complications, premature ejaculation, vaginismus and inability to orgasm to name a few.

My ten cents worth to anyone who finds themselves in the mother’s position is to have a good laugh and then take the opportunity to discuss sex and pleasure. I’d even go so far as to offer to purchase a toy for more daughter (I hear your collective gasp)! But let me ask you this – what would you prefer – your daughter learning about her own body in the privacy of her room or in the back seat of some random boy’s car?

I know what I would choose!



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Sex and shame

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Sex and shame