Masturbation and madness?
Masturbation and madness. It will not drive you to madness. It doesn’t make you a sicko and it certainly isn’t sinful. I challenge you all to read the section of the Bible you’ve HEARD about but never actually read!
Masturbation does not have to be a solo occupation nor is it bad for productivity. I can name a hundred other things that affect productivity and not one of them is self-pleasure.
It is not self-rape. Honestly who is that stupid! Who even thought it was possible? It is not self-harm, anyone who cuts can verify this. There may be a similar dopamine rush, but it leaves no scars.
Masturbation has many benefits.
It can reduce anxiety, relieve stress and improve sleep.
Another very common myth that makes us feel otherwise is that people in relationships don’t masturbate. We do. Solo and together, it’s how we learn what our partner loves and what they don’t. Better still it helps you understand your own preference.
My very worst one – using solo sex toys can ruin sex without them. Seriously If you believe this, you’re not doing it right. They are called toys for a reason. We play, we experience pleasure and if this is what scares you, why not use the toy as foreplay and finish with your hand.
We need to unlearn all these harmful myths that inevitably lead to us feeling guilty or ashamed about how we experience pleasure.
If you read my column on porn you will know that I still believe that many of us learn our sexual skills from watching porn. Porn is all about the fast and the furious with only the genitals on show. Sex is not just about the genitals and it’s often slow.
Moving the energy around for longer lasting pleasure.
Tight means better. Another myth that has us clenching our vaginas until we cramp and pass out. Not very pleasurable. The best sex is when we are relaxed and aroused at the same time. Arousal means the walls get engorged, just like a penis. This is what creates a powerful suction seal, not tight vagina required.
If the vagina is too tight, sex may be painful and unpleasant for the partners involved. Sometimes it is impenetrable and may require attention. It is a condition called vaginismus. It can be treated.
We also believe that the penis has got to be hard at all times during sex.
The fact that it’s not, can lead to a lack of confidence for both partners. It’s simply not true. The penis has a natural cycle, from hard to semi, to soft and back to hard. It helps to know this and understand that it is no one’s fault. It’s just part of the natural cycle of arousal.
Bigger is not always better when it comes to penis size. Most people prioritize technique and variety over a large penis.
Sex is not all about the orgasm.
It took me a while to unlearn this expectation. Sex is about staying present and connected in the moment. If you’re chasing the orgasm, you’ll lose the plot and definitely the orgasm.
There is a word for having sex and not having an orgasm. It’s called edging. I had a friend who went to India to learn how to use this energy in other parts of her life. When she finally did have an orgasm, it was earth moving.
There’s no top and bottom. If we believe this myth, then we believe that one person is responsible for the other’s pleasure all of the time. In reality the energy shifts. Sometimes I am responsible and sometimes my partner. This way neither of us has performance anxiety.
Each partner is responsible for their own experience.
It is an experience that requires presence, initiative and curiosity. Alternatively, you may find yourself bored to death.
Sex isn’t always spontaneous. Most of us have really busy lives. Scheduling sex or intimacy in whatever form is a classic tool for keeping the spark alive. I heard a fabulous line in a movie I was watching recently: ‘I don’t want sex, I just want to hold and be held.’
One of my favourite accessories for sex is lube.
There is just so much you can do with it. With this myth you’re doomed if you do and doomed if you don’t. If you don’t lubricate, you’re not aroused. Just not true. There are many reasons why some of us need help in this department.
On the flip side if you’re wet, you’re a slut or worse you’ve already had sex with someone else. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve been asked how a woman can dry her vagina because she has been shamed for her body doing what it’s supposed to!
Don’t think you can’t get an STD from having oral or anal sex. You absolutely can. Always practice safe sex. Always use some form of barrier. Most STI’s don’t show any symptoms so do have yourself regularly checked.
And last but not least, I can’t get pregnant while I’m having a period.
The risk might be lower during your period, but it is still possible. It all depends on how long the sperm will survive and when the egg will find it. Sperm are sneaky buggers and last for much longer than you think. Use protection. At www.lolamontez.co.za we stock a large range of condoms for your protection.
Which inevitably brings me back to masturbation and sex toys. No STIs here!
Please don’t forget to follow us on our socials:
Instagram – @lolamontezboutique
Facebook – https://web.facebook.com/LOLA.MONTEZ.PAGE
YouTube – https://www.youtube.com/@SharonGordonLolaMontez
Website – lolamontez.co.za