I want more sex than him!
More and more we are starting to hear about and talk about the orgasm gap. It usually refers to the allegation that men have far more and easier orgasms than women.
But what happens when you want sex more than he does?
How do you negotiate this tricky path?
A desire discrepancy is probably the most common sexual problem we encounter at Lola Montez. As I’ve mentioned traditionally, it is usually the man who wants more sex than his partner, but nowadays more and more often we see the reverse.
No two people have the same desires, at the same time and if you do count yourself lucky because it is a rare thing. Often one will be the instigator and one will be the willing (or unwilling) participant.
Just as no two people are always happy to order the same meal in a restaurant all the time, our sexual appetites are different.
When we lay all our cards on the table it is more difficult for men to fake desire than women.
He has to be able to get and maintain an erection to perform. I don’t know about you but with 11 hours of no power my stress levels have escalated and with massive stress we all face today, some men feel pressurized to be “ready and able” to perform all the time.
They manage in porn movies, don’t they?
This performance anxiety can quite easily lead to erectile dysfunction.
We often see young men who are frantic that they will not be able to get and maintain an erection. They feel like failures and are embarrassed to discuss this with their partner.
They resort to avoiding sex and even go so far as to pick an argument at bedtime or get drunk so as to have an excuse why they can’t perform. Thankfully, there are medications like Viagra and some herbal that can help men overcome this performance anxiety. If it is more than performance anxiety do see your doctor.
Stress and depression can also damage sexual desire. Women know this all to well.
Men not so much.
When he is preoccupied with work or is worried about. something, he naturally won’t have his normal libido. You need to be a little understanding in the short term, but if he lacks desire for a long time, it would be worth suggesting a medical appointment.
I cannot stress how important this is.
He needs to tell his doctor about all his symptoms and perhaps have tests for diabetes, cholesterol, testosterone as well as an assessment for depression.
Some medications (including antidepressants, blood pressure tablets and tranquilizers) can also affect the libido. Ask your doctor to change the medication if the package insert lists desire /sexual disorders as one of the side effects.
Erection issues aside we all need some practical tips to help with libido imbalances.
- Communicate. Women often blame themselves by thinking they are too fat/thin or that they are not desirable when it is actually your partner’s problem. The rubbish I have convinced myself of will astound you! Tell him that you feel like having more sex and that you feel unloved/rejected/inadequate if he doesn’t want to make love. Ask him to tell you how he feels about you and your desire for intimacy. Reassure him that you love him anyway and that you want to resolve any problems. Very often we are simply looking for intimacy and not necessarily penetrative sex.
- Stop blaming each other for your sex drive or lack thereof. You are responsible for your own orgasm, and everyone has a different libido. Sometimes you need to compromise and there is nothing wrong with enjoying masturbation when the need arises. Adult toys are a great help in this department.
- Keep “in touch”. Use nonsexual touch, like massage, cuddling and caressing to create intimacy even without lovemaking. Often what starts off as nonsexual touch will stoke the fires of desire and lead to sex. In this way, he will be willing to start lovemaking from a sexually neutral position.
- Self-pleasure. I’ve mentioned this before so it must be important. There is nothing wrong with masturbating in or out of a relationship. I recently saw a meme saying that you must remember that the angels are watching you when you masturbate! My comment was I must remember to give them a good show! Many women masturbate on average about once a week and there are hundreds of vibrators and toys designed for this purpose. Check some of them our on our Lola Montez website www.lolamontez.co.za . Some men even enjoy watching their partner masturbating. If you are uncomfortable being watched, angels excluded, reserve this pleasure for yourself. Give yourself time to learn what feels good and enjoy the sensations.
Remember, a desire discrepancy is often masked at the beginning of a relationship and only becomes evident after a few years. Also, men reach their sexual peak in their teens whereas women only reach their peak in the late 30s and 40s.
Talk about a gap!
You deserve a great sex life! Work at getting one.