From sexy inferno to sensual slow burn
From sexy inferno to sensual slow burn. Sex sells. Fiery sex sells. Tied up sex sells. Romantic sex sells.
Real mid-life and beyond sex, wrinkly sex, menopausal sex. Unfortunately doesn’t bring in the marketing budget, but it’s the real dirty pleasure secret!
The truth that the marketing department is not telling you, is that the deepest and most connecting sexual experiences you have in your life, may be those you have after children have flown the coop. When you have time to invest in pleasure, in relaxation and in each other.
This is harder to sell than pert, tight young writhing bodies though. We don’t get represented in sex scenes, our age group “disappears” (especially women) between successful lawyer and driving miss daisy on screen!
This often means there’s no one to guide us in the transition from flammable youthful sexuality into the slow burn of deep ignitable sensuality.
The other problem, for most of us post 40, is this is the time when most people are hitting burnout (both physically and sexually)
We are exhausted from teenage children, peri and post menopause, adrenal stress issues, elderly parents requiring more energy, health, work and career changes.
At a time in life when changing gears with your sensuality and sexuality can bring you huge pleasure and connection, is when most people give up.
That’s the narrative that sold to us, that as we age we will become dried up and sexless, invisible and unattractive.
Many of us in midlife either try to recapture our early sex life from our 20’s or just “switch it off” choosing to let a low libido just completely burn out.
If you don’t feel turned on, don’t have a reliable erection or have lost interest in sex, it’s over for you right?
Wrong.
Yet as with all seasons, a gear change is necessary, (and possibly an oil change…)
I’ve been with my husband for 28 years. Some of the best, most intimate sex we’ve had was post-surgical menopause!
This was also after sheer panic as my hormones completely changed and my libido disappeared!
Add career and life changes and anti depressants to that mix, and we thought we may have to adjust to way less pleasure and intimacy in our previously hugely satisfying sex life!
Here’s the obvious secret. The nervous system that regulates all of your pleasure and pain has to be recalibrated for pleasure in midlife.
It often needs a break, and some polyvagal toning, as life has been exceptionally rough on many of us over the past 3 years or so.
Pleasure in midlife doesn’t have to be all pecs and sex!
If you allow yourself to unlearn and relearn deep pleasure techniques, you can escape the marketing trap of only recognizing the “horny” libido, the movie libido, the sales pitch sexuality.
This means moving into sensuality and sexual pleasure beyond simple friction based reproductive fertility sex.
Into the best intimacy and pleasure of your life.
It’s possible. It does take a commitment to learning something new, laughing and playing together in different ways, even having some different conversations.
It’s possible to have a 2 hour awe gasm (It is awe indeed!)
it’s possible to became mindful about erection so that you don’t need to waste the body’s energy with one until you need it.
You’re going to need to learn how to breathe differently, feel sensation differently and release the quick fire of youth, explore “Sense You Wellness” and deep bliss and relaxation.
This is also a wellness and health move, as we need the chemicals of pleasure as we age for health and vitality, it’s worth the commitment to self and relationship of mindful and holistic intimacy.
The slow burn of deep intimacy is worth it.
It’s not ashes, it’s not burnt out, it’s not over.
Once we’ve found the courage to walk on those coals, they are the fire starters for the life force energy moving us back into life.
A.Clulow