Communication between the sheets.
There is a series available called ‘Good Sex’. It’s like watching every column I’ve ever written. A ‘coach’ or therapist helps couples who are having trouble in the bedroom, identify the issues and find a way to better sex. Communication between the sheets!
I’m constantly amazed that couples can be sexually involved for years but never discuss their needs and desires. We have sex with each other but are never really intimate with one another.
I think that couples should develop a sexual vocabulary and be able to say while making love -a little higher, a little to the right, touch me softer or harder- just as if someone were scratching their back – only nicer!
I often see couples that have been married for 10 years or longer
with sexual problems that could have been sorted out with a simple discussion of likes and dislikes.
If he likes sex in the morning but you hate it, talk about it and resolve the issue. Come to a compromise that suits both of you. It is better to sort out the problem rather than you being resentful and upset. It just causes more sexual dissatisfaction.
If you’re not getting pleasure out of sex, don’t “fake it”. That is a trap that many women fall into. He then thinks he is a great lover meanwhile you are frustrated and angry.
Men and women are different when it comes to orgasm with him taking 3-5 minutes whilst you need an average of 15-30 minutes to reach a climax.
It’s a design fault!
But now you begin to see the need for foreplay. We have some wonderful foreplay products to ensure that you catch up and he has fun! If you can’t think of anything to use or do pop into our Hyde Park Store (inside Health Works) and try our massage oils, books or VCR’s (Vibrating Cock Rings).
Approach the topic gently and tell him that you would prefer longer foreplay and that you need direct clitoral stimulation (oral, manual or vibration) to reach orgasm.
Remember the clitoris is not inside, its on top! So chances are penetration doesn’t do it for you alone. Only 20% of women can orgasm from penetrative sex alone. A bit of genital touching and a drop of lubricant goes a long way.
Set up a time for sexual review when you are both calm and not naked!
Communication between the sheets is important.
Discuss your feelings and desires and allow time for you both to have your say. Make special times for sex. Date nights and weekends away or plan to dress up for each other. Toys are another way to spice things up for you and him.
One of the exercises given out as homework in this series is a three minute ‘time out’ or rather a time in. Either of you can ask for favours for 3 minutes. I’d probably ask to be left alone to read my book! Seriously though, it’s three minute to ask to be touched in the way you prefer. We are not all the same. I would never ask someone to touch my feet or my face, and yet that may very well be your happy place.
The point is you get to ask and guide and teach what it is you really want and need to have better sex. Everything in life is about learning and as Maya Angelo says, or maybe it was Oprah –
‘When you know better, you do better!’
I know it is difficult to admit to your wants and needs. What if he/she thinks I’m a freak or kinky or dead boring. I don’t know about you but I’d rather get my freak on with someone who understands and has the same kink.
As I mentioned last week the Sex Expo is coming to town (Menlyn) in October and Lola Montez will be there. The item we sell the most of is our ‘Get Lucky Packet’. It’s like the ones you got as a kid. Filled with an adult surprise. The reason we sell so many of them is because nobody wants to admit which adult toy they really want. The Lucky Packet does it for you. We hope to see you there. Pop in and say hello.
Visiting the Sex Expo is a great way to explore and start the conversation about communication between the sheets. Keep it fun and exciting and remember that you deserve to have a great sex life.